The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
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What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
The government even made aliens boring
There is wisdom there.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome