The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
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You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Optional boss fight.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.