See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
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“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Noah
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!