No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
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Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]