The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
You Might Also Like
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
lmao
I’d rather go liquor treating.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them