SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
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if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link