The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
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The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I put the mess in domestic.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.