[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
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Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My plans: 2020:
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Labreador
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.