How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
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Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
just left a huge legacy in there
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
no one ever comes back
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.