“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
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4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand