Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
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*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
What?!?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run