The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
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A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Eggs benadryl my favourite
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Sunday
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.