My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
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*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
.. do you even science?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.