Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
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*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen