Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
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Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!