The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
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comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.