The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
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The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.