The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
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Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
*Seductively hides in the woods
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?