The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
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Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*