the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.