the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
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Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.