The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
wow he looks just like him
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.