The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
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[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?