exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
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Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
wow