The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
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Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.