The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
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I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.