@chicnlil1: The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
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@ComedicBust: My uber driver's looking at me like he's never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.
@david8hughes: [lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars] "Hey--" *points to shooting star* "You've put on a lot of weight."
@thequeensheart: "Mom, I promise I won't interrupt your nap." "Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?"