The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
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Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
cat faces on other animals, a thread
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.