The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
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Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.