The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
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Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My new favorite headline
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.