@sofarrsogud: The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
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@Book_Krazy: Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise? Me: Does sex count as exercise? Dr: Yes. Me: No.
@SonofConway: When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald's will still be there to take your money.
@thepunningman: Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time Jeweller: I just don't think your wife will want "THE GOAT IS MINE" inscribed on her wedding ring
@Parkerlawyer: "I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside." -Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine