A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
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I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?