Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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