[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
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People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.