The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
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“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”