The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
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Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
12653.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.