@hipstermermaid: The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
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@WineMummy: When you're on a date that's not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis. You're welcome.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away? Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Mom?
@Iwriteforcats: Cats make the best boyfriends because they're soft, loyal, and won't claim they're straight but then turn gay after one lousy date, BRENT!