The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
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#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this