the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
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Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
ok this is my dumbest yet
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
shit, they caught us—run!!!
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
wut hotdog?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?