The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
me
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?