the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
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“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
The first one, obviously
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies