When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
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Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.