on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
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[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
my dog when i have a friend over
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.