The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
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To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Bike for sale
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
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