The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
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This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
me and my fake scenarios
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for