The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
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FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Monday
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Bringing home a sharpie
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no