The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
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Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The best plant holders?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Hmm, not sure about this change
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
i baked you a cake
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory