[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
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That de-escalated quickly
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Happy Friday
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.