mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
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REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser