If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
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“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.