Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
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Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
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“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension