Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
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I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.