them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
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If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.