Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
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Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..